Last night was so intense for me. I had so much of anger & frustration in me. I only settled down after lots of screaming into a pillow and loads of crying.
I know there’s work to be done. Over the holidays I realised that I’ve been extremely angry & frustrated ever since I can remember. As a little girl I had to fight to be treated as an equal and not like a girl. Maybe it comes from a past life or maybe it doesn’t. I just wanted to be seen as an equal, not a girl, boy, child, adult, tomboy, … I hated the term girl, which explains why I only started embracing my feminine aspect later in life. I didn’t enjoy dressing up and looking ‘pretty’. I hated the fact that I lost many guy friends because they perceived me differently when we hit puberty. I hated that I was a girl and had to fight so hard to not do 'girly' things. Just writing this makes me ball out my eyes.
I still hate labels… girl, boy, etc. I feel that we are all equal, with each individual bringing their unique gifts to this world. I am perceived as heterosexual, but I don’t know whether that is true or not. Does it matter? Not to me! I was never really physically attracted to anyone, male or female. Maybe because I had so many other interests that needed my attention. I was attracted to my husband because there was a spiritual connection. He could’ve been in a female body. I don’t think it would’ve bothered me. It did make things easier in society though. I did the ‘normal’ thing. I, a girl, married a guy. I struggle to see why we as a society still struggle to accept people as they are. Why do we have to label everything? I was born into a female body, but I wanted to climb trees, wear no shoes, not wear dresses (because it limited what I could do), play with cars in the dirt, play rugby, cricket, soccer, tennis, swim, do karate & kickboxing, sing in the choir, perform in the school play … because that was what I was attracted to. It wasn’t because of a sexual orientation.
I remember refusing to go to church & sitting on the kitchen floor because I was dressed in an ‘appropriate’ dress, while my brother was wearing shorts & a t-shirt. There are many of these memories, but I digress.
The point was that I always felt like I was fighting against societal conditioning without realising it. However, there was a time, because of my sensitivity that I started to back down, hide and conform on the outside and have intermittent outbursts. This is when the anger & frustration stared building up. Attending a fire dance ceremony helped me to work through & release a lot of this anger, but it is back so that I can release some more.
Why can’t we simply love unconditionally and accept everyone for the beautiful beings that they are? We are all one, I see me in you & you in me.
It is part of my vision for our future that we all love unconditionally.
I’m not sure how I’ll deal with all the anger & frustration just yet, but I will keep on releasing through expressing my anger & frustration, unless guided otherwise & maybe that is all I need to do for now.
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