For some reason I've been in victim mode these past couple of days. I’ve been feeling extremely sorry for myself. This is not usually where I operate from and all I wanted to do was fix it or ignore it. None worked of course. Ignoring it only meant being in denial and having inappropriate outbursts because I wasn't acknowledging what I was feeling. And trying to fix it meant that I was judging what I felt as inappropriate and not accepting it for what it was. Yesterday, while it was a special day (6/6) to focus on self-love, all I felt was sadness. As if I was letting go or mourning something or someone. It was a deep-seated sadness. I tried to figure out where it was coming from or what it was about. But doing this simply made it worse, more intense... as if I was being sucked down a dark vortex. I managed to pull myself out and allowed myself to simply be in all the sadness. It also allowed me to tell my husband about it, which allowed him to have some idea of what I was going through. In return I accessed and accepted support from him. The moment I embraced it, it felt easier. I could breathe through it, be with it... No judgment. All of this is part of the human experience. This is a world of polarities, and we have to embrace all of it. Both the comfortable (light) and challenging (shadow) aspects of life. On a 'good' day it is easy to navigate these. It's about finding the comfort in the discomfort that helps me to find the balance. Yesterday evening I also became quiet, put all my crutches (coping mechanisms) aside to simply be with my sadness without any expectations. What came through was quite unexpected. I thought I had dealt with all of what’s to follow, but I guess not. These past 21 months has been intense in so many ways... financially, physically, emotionally & spiritually. We started much needed maintenance at our home in September 2019, during my final year at university while working on my writing from home. I was managing the maintenance to be done since my husband had recently stepped into a new position at work. This was me supporting him.
During this period, I felt trapped in my own home trying to manage my two girls (doggies) and keep them as comfortable as possible and away from the workers, with limited access to a building rubble filled garden. I was so dependent on spending time in the garden. So, being stuck indoors made me feel trapped, especially during the warmer months. Spending time in the garden is also part of my spiritual & creative process. I couldn’t tend to the garden and had to watch how plants that I’d grown from seeds be destroyed in seconds with no remorse. I could only work in my studio over weekends. I also had to put my little food forest project on hold. Something that I wanted to do to allow us to grow our own food with ease. All of these with all the lies from the contractor allowed frustration and anger to build up within me. No matter what I said or how I said it, it didn’t help with the maintenance that needed to be done. However, it really helped me to speak up for myself. I also realised that the contractor was inconsiderate of others and only looked after his own interests. Something that I’ve been working on for many year ... seeing things as they are instead of only seeing the highest good in others. So, this contractor really helped me to shift.
It all eventually went pear shaped before the Covid lockdown in March 2020. The lockdown was a great blessing in many ways for me. A break from it all. A chance to move all the rubble to one side of the garden, so that I could enjoy sitting on the grass, enjoy the sun, watch the birds & critters. A chance to plan our next move. It was a blessing that the contractor left us in the lurch, because a lot of the work they did had to be repaired or redone. I was so angry at myself for allowing this to happen. I used to work on large projects, but somehow missed so many things on this small project. I felt like an idiot and beat myself up because of it. When I went to inspect the work on my own during the lockdown, I noticed so many issues with their work and workmanship. Where was I during this process? How could I have missed all these things? These are things I would have picked up in a moment while I was working in the construction industry or even during lockdown. How could I miss it? These were thoughts going through my mind on a daily basis. I also felt extremely guilty because I was supposed to manage the project and the funds, yet I made multiple mistakes that I wouldn’t usually make, like paying a contractor in advance. I spoke to my husband about it many times and he kept on reminding me that every payment we made was a joint decision. And those payments were only made after we discussed it. This highlighted a limiting belief I had, that everything that goes wrong is always my fault. In other words, I allow others to take my power away from me. This experience has absolutely helped me to step into my power.
I even found out that this contractor had done this multiple times before to other people. We tried to follow the legal route, but it wasn’t worth it. It is not worth our energy, time & money. I had taken everything upon myself, even after finding out that this contractor had done this kind of thing to many people in the past. It was a refined skill. There were multiple lessons in the experience for me, but what haunted me the most was that I was not alone.
It affected my husband as well. Financially he was the one supporting us. If I had been contributing financially it would’ve been a little easier. This pickle forced me to fully embrace being financially supported by my husband. This has been one of the most difficult things I’ve had to embrace. Since September 2013 when I stopped receiving a salary, I was ok with it at first, because there was a time when I was the only one earning a salary while my husband was on a sabbatical … plus, we had savings & investments. But it is now almost 7 years later, and I’m still financially dependent on my husband. I’ve been extremely independent in many ways ever since I can remember, so at first when I became financially dependent on him, it felt like a weakness. I felt all of this after he kept on telling me how many invaluable things I contribute towards our family. And I completely agree. However, every now and then I felt extremely vulnerable for being financially dependent on him. I felt like a burden.
As a little girl I would hide that I was struggling with something. I simply didn’t want my parents to be worried about me. I had sensed their concern for my wellbeing ever since I can remember. It had to do with the fact that I was so different and often ill as a child, and they were never sure how to help or support me. So, I interpreted it as “I needed to be fixed”, “There’s something wrong with me”, “I was a burden”. And I had carried these limiting thoughts and beliefs with me throughout my life. The most powerful thing is that these were simply that… limiting beliefs, NOT TRUTHS. I could change these beliefs. And stepping out of victim mode has helped me tremendously with my healing/evolution. One of the reasons I decided to incarnate was to learn, grow and evolve & at this moment I believe that this is what I’ll do until I leave this physical body.
It took me this long, but I think I’m finally getting it. For me this had to do with knowing that I am worth it and that I am not inconveniencing others in the process.
The sadness is still with me even though it's dissipating. Maybe there is more to it. But for now, I’ll simply be with it, observe it and let it be what it is. This too shall pass.
What I do find difficult to express to others is that even with all the sadness, I’m still experiencing deep gratitude for all that is and there’s a stillness/happiness/comfort/contentment inside me no matter what’s happening in my physical reality. I’m still trying to find the right word to describe this feeling. This feeling (way of being) makes it so much easier to navigate the challenges/shadows.
Thank you for taking the time to read this blog post. Writing this has helped me to show others my vulnerabilities, allowing me to stop hiding, and no longer be ashamed of what happened. It is what it is. It is how everything had to unfold. Both my husband & I gained invaluable skills & gifts throughout this experience, and it made our support for each other even stronger.
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